Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
