I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
