drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Randomize
