woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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