Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
