I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
