Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
