I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
