Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
