this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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