the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
