you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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