you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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