You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
