Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
