i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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