There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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