I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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