At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
FUCK WHALES
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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