Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I could make wine with my vomit
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
