she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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