John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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