Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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