my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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