We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
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My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
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Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.