I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Goodnight sugar queer
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
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I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
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Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.