he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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