his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
