I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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