you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
