So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
