I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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