I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
