I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
