Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
