I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
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I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
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A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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