Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
