i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
