you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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