Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize