Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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