I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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