There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
