I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
whose parrot is this?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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