today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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