There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
