I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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