woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
