CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
