you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Don't EVER smell your tampon
should my penis look like a turkey
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
