Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
