Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
