I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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