sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
