If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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