dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
