Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
