Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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