sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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